Sarah and I have lived in many different places over the years, and we've had many different neighbors, some very weird, some very bad. Today I'm going to tell you about our worst neighbors ever.
This couple lived in the house next to our old residence on South Johnson (the apartment had problems too - the bedroom reeked of wolf urine - but that’s a different story), and they were terrible. Why were they so bad? Well, there were numerous reasons. They were deeply paranoid, racist, lazy, and stupid, and they shot our cat in the eye with a b.b. gun, but there was one particular trait that overshadowed all others. They made porn in their living room.
Many of you are immediately thinking, "Eeww!" You don't need much convincing. Some of you, however, are thinking, "Dude! Porno neighbors? That sounds awesome. How could that possibly be bad?" For those of you in the latter category, allow me to disillusion you. Even if porno neighbors might, in theory, be your cup of tea, let me explain that this was not high-grade porn with beautiful people making beautiful love. This was bargain basement porn and the participants were dour, desperate, flabby, pasty, unhealthy people with yellow, nicotine-stained teeth (although I suppose their audience wasn't really paying attention to their teeth). So scrap your fantasy scenario right away (unless, perhaps, this is your fantasy scenario, in which case you’re a very strange person, but I can give you the landlord’s phone number).
And they always left their blinds open (they had hopes of luring us into their glamorous lifestyle – "oh, so nice of you to ask, but I think we’re going to pass on this one"). Our houses were about four feet apart so they were impossible to ignore. We, consequently, made a concerted effort to close our own blinds once the sun went down and porn-o’clock arrived. There were, however, occasional lapses.
My mom was visiting from Virginia. We had picked her up from the airport during the afternoon and grabbed a bite to eat. By the time we arrived at home it was nighttime. Our lights were off. Our blinds were open. We walked in the front door and, boom, there was the lady, feet up on the desk, legs splayed, and on their computer screen was her "bizness" in all of its much-larger-than-life, gynecological glory. "Welcome to our house, Mom! Heh, heh." Eesh!
So how did we finally resolve this problem? The answer is simple. Humiliation (unintentional but effective). We were having a dinner party one evening. As we were all sitting around the table eating and chatting, whup, there go the neighbors getting naked and going at it. I’m not sure if their timing was merely coincidental or if they were putting on a show specifically for our benefit, but if it was intentional the results were certainly not what they had hoped for. After a moment of stunned gawking, everyone at the table simultaneously burst out laughing. Realizing this, the neighbors huffily marched over to their window and lowered the blinds. From that day on, the blinds stayed down.
Who was your worst neighbor?