Monday, June 13, 2005

Shocking Exposé! Pop Quiz Revealed!

You, kind readers, were recently asked to guess what kind of vehicle this guy was driving when I saw him:



And you came through like gangbusters with oodles of excellent answers. I've been enjoying the answers and so much that I'm almost sad to bring the party to an end with boring old facts. The truth, though, must be told. So what was he driving?

A beat-up, little, nineteen-ninety-sumthin' Geo hatchback*. Color? Metallic Dung.
There you go. Enlightened? Ecstatic? Disappointed? Enraged? I know. I know. It's a lot to cope with. Just let it all out. You can cry if you want to. We're here for you.

Now, let's do a little post-mortem. First, I'll break down the responses into three principal categories:

The Truck: This was a popular and very reasonable answer. It's probably what I would have guessed.

The Seventies Cool-Guy-Mobile: The El Camino and the van fall into this category. Again, very reasonable guesses.

Miscellaneous: The Morgan/Bentley/Jaguar, the dirt bike, the bug, and the red Subaru Outback. I liked imagining him in each of these little scenarios. The perversity of him driving a Bentley was quite pleasing ("Yeah, I got a real good deal on it, but gettin' parts is a bitch."), and I think the dirt bike might just be my absolute favorite (zipping down the street, hair blowing, mustache rippling, bright orange cigarette burning an inch a second - ooh, I wish it was a dirtbike!)
But it was a Geo hatchback. Why? We can never truly know the inner workings of another human being (and this is, I suppose, particularly true if you've only seen them for 2 seconds going down the road at 35 mph), but, screw it, that shouldn't stop us from subjecting him to our bogus pseudo-science. So, what do I think? I think the real answer is that this guy just can't be bothered with anything else.

A truck, at least in theory, implies that the driver occasionally does some form of manual labor, and, having had a look at this guy, I don't think he does any kind of manual labor. Being outside and sweating are not his thing. And a van or El Camino (even a beat-to-hell, old van or El Camino) might imply that he is trying to maintain a certain sense of style (even a beat-to-hell, old sense of style) and that he holds some hope of actually scoring with chicks. This guy looked like he could barely manage getting from point A to point B. Anything beyond that would be just too much to handle.

When you strip away these extraneous criteria, what's left?
  1. Let it be dirt cheap.
  2. Let it have a functioning cigarette lighter.
And what fits the bill? Ta da! A nineteen-ninety-sumthin', Mettallic Dung Geo hatchback.

So there you go. Order is restored. Life makes sense. Q.E.D.

Satisfying, ain't it?

* A close cousin of our own ninety-ninety-sumthin' Geo.

4 comments:

  1. Slimbolala, you closed the voting before I could get mine in!! You said I should know what this kind of guy drives since there are many of them in my part of the world--Schuyler, VA and you are right! So here is my late vote: he drives a "clapped out" late '70's vintage hatchback with dull grey paint and a dark red left front fender with a very loud engine. Several times a day he roars past my house much too fast for the narrow country road and much too loud for the quietness of the countryside. So that's my vote late and I didn't cheat and make it up after I saw the answer. I wasn't too far off.

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  2. See. I told you that you would have particularly insight into this subject. And you were quite close. Well done.

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  3. The brutal simplicity of your "cheap but can light cigarettes" argument is breathtaking. Of course, of course, of course.

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  4. okay, that was fun. next one?

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