Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Less Funny Awful, More Funny Ha-Ha

Anybody know any good (or even really lousy) jokes? I'd love to hear them.

Here's one:
"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"Interrupting cow."

"Interru..."

"Moo."
When I heard that one this morning I laughed so hard I nearly wet myself. I don't know if it's actually really funny or if it's just my wonky emotional state. Doesn't matter.

Sarah and I went to dinner last night at a cheesy, little dockside bar and grill with huge hamburgers and a lousy band. It was nice.

22 comments:

  1. Francine4:48 PM

    This is courtesy Prairie Home Companion earlier in the summer....

    Q: What does Michael Jackson like about twenty-eight year old boys?

    A: That there's twenty of them.

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  2. OK. I have no good jokes (I'm awful at joke telling...I end up cracking myself up...madness really), but I have a good story (I'm pulling out the big guns here) I hope this will suffice.

    When we lived in CA, we had these really great friends. I'll call them "Joe" and "Jane". One night, they were sitting on their patio, joyfully looking over their beautiful back yard when a huge mouse ran from one side to the other.

    Of course, this completely freaked Jane out, and she immediately demanded that Joe go to the store to buy some mouse traps. He did.

    Early the next evening, Joe and Jane were watching TV when they heard a snap, followed by a wail (if mice can, indeed, wail). Joe went to check the trap and saw that the mouse was caught by its leg, but very much still alive.

    Joe decided that he didn't have the heart (or the stomach) to finish off the mouse. He figured it would be a better idea to take it out to the country (ie, the Palo Alto Hills). So he scooped it up, trap and all, into a shoe box and put the shoe box into a garbage bag, and put the garbage bag in the back seat of his car.

    On the 45 minute drive out the Palo Alto, Joe found that he was becoming quite attached to the mouse. He talked to it. He named it ("Clinton"). He found a place to pull off the road and took the shoe box out of the bag, managed (somehow) to get the trap off, and tilted the box so that the mouse could crawl out.

    He got in his car, put it in reverse, and started to move...until he heard a wierd noise.

    Yup. He got out of his car and after all of that (including the 90 minute round trip), accidently ran over the box...and the mouse.

    Not too funny? hmmm...ok, a grasshopper and a cricket walk into a bar...

    By the way, I'm glad you were able to get out for your anniversary.

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  3. Dear god, Traci, if that's what we get when he asks for a funny joke, he better not ask for any black humor... (OK, I admit, it is a good story.)

    Here's one I heard someone telling on the train the other day. I think he was reading it from a book, so to avoid copyright infringement, I will cleverly not tell it very well. Anyway:

    Three children come in from recess at kindergarten. "So, Jenny," says the teacher, "what did you do for recess?"

    "I played in the sandbox," says Jenny.

    "That sounds like fun. If you can spell SAND you can have a cookie."

    "S-A-N-D," spells Jenny, and is given a cookie.

    "How about you, Julie?" asks the teacher, "What did you do for recess?"

    "I played in the sandbox with Jenny," says Julie.

    "OK. If you can spell BOX, you can have a cookie too," the teacher says.

    "B-O-X," spells Julie, and she gets a cookie too.

    "Well, what about you, Johnny?" asks the teacher. "What did you do for your recess?"

    Johnny hesitates a minute, then blurts out, "I wanted to play in the sandbox but Jenny and Julie wouldn't let me!"

    The teacher thinks for a minute.

    "Well, Johnny," she says, "that sounds like discrimination to me. If you can spell DISCRIMINATION..."

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  4. An oldie, but a goodie:

    What do you call an Italian guy with a rubber toe?

    Roberto! I love that one.

    Been following your blog for many months. So sorry for your tough times as of late. So glad that you and your family are OK. If we can help from up here in PA, please let me know.

    Take care.

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  5. Anytime anyone mentions "Prairie Home" and "joke" I think of this one:

    How do you get a family of Unitarians to move out of the neighborhood?

    Burn a question mark on their front lawn.

    But seriously, I think that Lori should tell her control freak knock-knock joke. Sort of in the same vein of slimbo's cow joke, and really quite good, especially when it's perpetrated upon a control freak.

    And another one: Two Old West guys on a stagecoach, riding across the Plains, and they see an Indian following them, very far off and tiny in the distance but clearly warlike. Shotgun rider levels his piece but the driver says, "No, wait 'till you see the whites of his eyes." So shotgun rider waits, and waits, and the Indian gets closer, and appears larger and larger and larger, and shotgun rider waits and waits and waits and the Indian just keeps coming, more and more enraged and warlike with each minute and he's appearing bigger and bigger until the driver yells, "OK! Shoot 'im! Shoot 'im NOW!" And shotgun guy says, wistfully, gun on his lap, "Aww, but I've known him since he was this (gesture with hand to indicate small size) big."

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  6. I'm sure I've told this to you before. It was my favorite joke for a long time.

    A Chinese guy and a Jewish guy are sitting on a park bench. All of a sudden, the Jewish guy leans over and socks the Chinese man hard in the face. "What'd you do that for?" said the shocked Chinese man, rubbing his jaw. The Jewish guy says with satisfaction, "*That* was for Pearl Harbor!"
    The Chinese guy protests: "But the *Japanese* bombed Pearl Harbor! I'm Chinese!" The Jewish guy shrugs and says, "Chinese, Japanese, it's all the same to me".

    Five minutes later, the Chinese guy leans over and socks the *Jewish* guy in the nose. "What'd you do that for?", asked the shocked Jewish guy, rubbing his nose. The Chinese guy explains, "*That* was for the Titanic!" "The Titanic! Are you nuts? The Titanic hit an iceberg!" The Chinese guy shrugs and says, "Iceberg, Goldberg, it's all the same to me."

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  7. OK...I have an actual joke! My (chinese) husband told me this one:

    You know how to tell that Adam and Eve weren't Chinese?

    They would've ate the snake.

    hee hee

    Oh, and that story...(yeah Wes)...a bit dark. I realized that after I got done typing it. Believe me though, it tells a lot better than it reads. I'll have to remember that for next time. Although if you're looking for bathroom humor vs. dark humor, I am privy to an alarming number of poo stories.

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  8. All of them are lovely - thank you! Actuallly that knock-knock-control-freak joke is my other favorite knock knock joke (and, as it so happens, I learned it from Prairie Home).

    As for the brutally dark, mouse-slaughter story, no worries. You might recall that my humor baselines at %91 percent dark, and post-Katrina has taken a turn towards the wickedly ink-black. I liked it very much.

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  9. I only know one joke. What's the difference between God and a neurosurgeon? God doesn't think he is a neurosurgeon!!

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  10. [Lori]: I can't get through the control freak joke without cracking up...gets me every time.
    "Knock knock"
    "Who's there?"
    "Control freak..."
    "C..."
    "Okay now you say control freak who!"
    I usually lose it as soon as the other participant says "Who's there". It's the only joke I remember in its entirety, and I can't even tell it.
    Thanks for remembering, Alex. And glad you enjoy it too, Dave.
    Wait! I've got one more:
    "What's a fish without an eye?"
    "FSH."

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  11. kphiker12:57 AM

    well, i can't remember jokes, let alone tell them so i will type a couple of overheardinnewyork comments ...

    Tween thug #1: The Bible crazy...how you gonna contradict a book that contradict itself?
    Tween thug #2: You just gotta decide for yo'self which came first, the people or the dinosaurs.
    ---
    Teen girl: Wow, that's so sad...
    Woman: Yeah, they have no electricity, no water to drink, no food to eat, nothing.
    Teen girl: Well, can't they just boil the water on the ground and drink it? They say the city is flooded with like six feet of water.
    Woman: No, honey, that water is way too contaminated to be boiled, and besides that, they don't have electricity.
    Teen girl: Oh that's so sad. Where is that?

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  12. Well, I'm a little apologetic that in your time of need, the only joke I've got to share comes from my 5 yr old.

    Why did the toilet paper climb the mountains?

    To get to the bottom.

    Bah dat dum.

    Our thoughts are with you all.

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  13. Did you hear about the pirate movie?

    It was rated ARRRRR.

    What kind of socks do pirates like to wear?

    ARRRRgyle.

    What's a pirate's favorite rock band?

    ARRRREO Speedwagon.

    What's a pirate's favorite R&B singer?

    ARRRRRR Kelly.

    etc.

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  14. "John"3:33 PM

    Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

    The Dali Lama walks up to a Lucky Dog salesman. He says, "Make me one with eveything."

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  15. Why do cows wear bells?

    Because their horns don't work.

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  16. A: How do you get an elephant into safeway?

    B: I dont know. How?

    A: You take the S out of Safe and the F out of way.

    B:....there's no f in way.

    (You have to say it to yourself a couple of times)

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  17. Two drunks are sitting in a bar. Drinking and drinking. Looking at nothing.

    Til this big ol' dog walks into the bar, finds a sunny spot, twirls, sits down, growls at the drunks, then lifts its leg and starts licking its balls.

    Lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, for upwards of twenty minutes.

    The two drunks, who had nothing better to look at, watched the dog lick.

    LIck, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, lick, for another twenty minutes, until one drunk says, "Ya know, I wish I could do that."

    The second drunk says "I think you might try petting him first. He don't look that friendly."

    Sticky--you'll be hearing from the Anti-Pirate Defamation League soon.

    Yeharr

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  18. What do you call an agnostic, insomniac, dyslexic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog.
    ba-dump-CHING
    Prayers to you and your family.

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  19. Anonymous1:51 PM

    this joke is best shared in conversation as if you are about to share a political or religious update...

    as in:

    i read recently that the catholic church has come out with a new "fat free" wafer for communion.

    someone responds, oh really?

    yeah, it's called, "i can't believe it's not jesus!"

    bless you, your family and all those who are affected by this catastrophe.

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  20. A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline
    blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."

    She shook her head at the sad
    news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How
    many is a Brazilian?"

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  21. You all are amazing. I now have enough jokes to be the life of the party for decades to come.

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  22. Did you hear about the paraniod dyslexic? Always afraid the he was following someone.

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