Sunday, November 20, 2005

Skorts

Skorts irritate the crap out of me.*

True, this is less of a problem now than it was a few years ago when skorts were in their heyday. There was a time when I was regularly whipped into a seething fury at the site of the offending garment.** Now their frequency is diminished, but, really, even one skort is too many. And the vote has been cast, so let's talk skorts.

We must start with the understanding the that fashion is a language. So what does the skort say? It says, "I want to look like I'm wearing a skirt, but at the same time I want my bizness to be fully enshrouded in a protective layer of fabric." In other words, "I want to embrace my womanhood, but I'm completely terrified of my sexuality." This is an understandable sentiment in a pre-teen girl, which is the only group for whom skort-wearing is permissible. Among all others it is strictly absurd.*** Plus they just look plain goofy.

When Martian Law is imposed, skorts will be banned.

* Apologies to my skort-wearing readers.

** Much of my rage is directed against articles of clothing. Don't get me started on pleated pants.****

*** I dread the day I see my first ironic retro-skort (you know it's coming).

**** Apologies to my pleated-pant-wearing readers.*****

***** Apologies to my asterix-phobic readers.

Ask and ye shall receive.

11 comments:

  1. I'm gonna get you started on pleated pants.

    Pleats!

    On pants!

    Like a man (I assume you are referring to male pleats here) is supposed to be seen as all that while wearing drapes or upholstery. What possible purpose do they serve? Is that extra fabric there for emergencies? In case you puff up suddenly about the groin?

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  2. "Puff up suddenly about the groin." Heh, heh.

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  3. What is the difference between skorts and culottes? Are they the same, or is there some subtle difference known only to true connesiuers?

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  4. kphiker11:28 AM

    when i was growing up, the female relatives were all "keep your knees together -- you don't want to be improper" and when you were in high school you had to really be careful you weren't shooting a beaver. culottes or skorts are all about comfort, not sexuality. you can feel/be incredibly sensual in clothes with legs. i think you misinterpret the female decision. (and fashion-makers often come up with incredibly bad designs.)

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  5. Oh, oh. Am I being labeled as a skort/culotte connoisseur? That's a scary place to be.

    Certainly, you're right that they would both fall under the label of pant-ish/short-ish things that look sort of like a skirt. The key difference is in the means of achieving this effect:

    Culottes expand the legs of the shorts/pants to exceptionally large and billowous dimensions, creating a large, flowy appearance. At the furthest extreme of the culotte spectrum, the legs appear to merge into one, creating the appearance of a skirt.

    Skorts take a different route, placing an additional panel of fabric across the front (and sometimes the back) of the shorts, in a failed attempt to cloak their true shorts-nature.

    Thus sprach Slimbolala. Are there any true skort/culotte connoisseurs who can vet my answer?

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  6. kphiker,

    I undoubtedly misinterpret the decision. All opinions expressed here are merely the baseless drivel I feel like spewing that day and are subject to arbitrary change at any time.

    I spent several years absolutely refusing to ever wear blue-jeans. I went through several different years absolutely refusing to ever wear khakis. Now I only wear blue jeans and khakis. My opinions are both dogmatic and fickle. I am not reputable. Disregard me.

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  7. Following the logic of my above statements to their conclusion, it is quite probable that in the near future I will become an ardent admirer of the skort and will adopt an all-skort-all-the-time protocol for my personal attire. Mmm, the man-skort. Now there's an idea...

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  8. How do you feel about capris, or their horrifying brother, the manpri?

    I hate both, enough to launch into a full-on rant, but will hold my fire.

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  9. This is terrible, I can't decide if man-skort or manpri is more funny.

    Damn you both with your pant-masculinizing ways!

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  10. kphiker10:46 PM

    the 'man-skort' must be a close cousin to the 'kilt', thus it could be shortened to 'skilt'. or 'milt'. or, simply, 'mort'.

    today i like earth shoes.

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  11. Anonymous1:41 AM

    o hell Christ!

    i think of it the other way round, try living in Seattle where every girl -well almost-every woman looks talks and behaves like a boy. is that bad? nah. but i will be damned if i am going to be prancing around looking like one of the guys ALL the time.

    Northwest is an outdoorsy place thankfully and its great to be doing stuff outside all the time. But sometimes a girl wants to look like a girl with all the frills even if she is out climbing trees. so whats the answer to that? skorts baby skorts

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