Friday, April 29, 2005

Turkey Pot Pie vs. Gandalf

Boy, Round Two was fun and educational (we're just like PBS over here). I've got to give a tip-of-the-hat to the Channing-camp for style, and it was close, but in the end the numbers (4 to 3) dictate that the pie moves on.

Round Three:

a) Turkey pot pie?
b) Gandalf?

What? You don't know who Gandalf is? Where have you been? Perhaps you would know him by one of his other names: Olórin, Mithrandir, The White Rider, Stormcrow, Incánus, Tharkûn, or Gandalf Greyhame. Ring any bells? Or just skip it and vote for the pie.

Place your vote.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

A Soulful Slurry


Over the past year I have theoretically (and sometimes actually) been putting together a childrens' book for the wee ones and for my own amusement. It's called At The Coffee Shop and is simply a plotless survey of the various folks one would meet there (appropriate for my children who have spent a substantial portion of their early years at coffee shops). Whether or not it will ever actually get finished I can't say, but it keeps me off the streets. I've started up on it again, and this is a detail from a line drawing I just completed (it will ultimately have color) of the "the poet".

Ruby, Watch Your Back

A boy discussing his dogs:

"She reminds me of my dog, Pepperoni. That's what we named him. Pepperoni was a black lab too. But he walked out in the street and got hit by a car. His replacement was Patches. He got bit on the ear by a pit viper and died. Now we have Ruby. She likes to eat garbage. She's still alive."

Spring Chicken

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Did Carol Channing Just Visit My Blog?

I'm very sleepy right now and am in a vague through-the-looking-glass daze. I need your help. Please go to the comments section for Carol Channing vs. Turkey Pot Pie and explain to me, is the person who posted under the name "Carol Channing":

a) Carol Channing?
b) A crazy person who thinks he/she is Carol Channing?
c) A person with a strange and obtuse sense of humor?
d) Other?

Place your vote.

Note: Be sure to click on "Carol's" link to visit his/her blog. I'm not sure it will add clarity, but it will certainly add interest.

Smiley Joe

Monday, April 25, 2005

Carol Channing vs. Turkey Pot Pie

Well, last time was a dazzling success (actually it was a little weak, but I'll let it slide) with Carol Channing claiming a resounding victory (kind of, sort of, I think - actually it might have been a meat puppet - ooh, awesome band name! - damn, it's been taken). Anyway, on to Round Two:

a) Carol Channing?
b) Turkey pot pie?

Place your vote.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Friday, April 22, 2005

Oui, Monsieur

Geeks Are Funny

"She's coming back as a character named 'Bala'... Daniel Jackson who will be sporting a beard at least at the beginning of the season... They're supposed to be introducing a whole new set of evil alien ancients called 'Borai' or something like that... They're going to bring a new guy in on the 3rd episode, another human from the galaxy, like Tala. He's supposedly going to be hunted by the Wraith for sport ... They're supposed to be doing more connections between Stargate and Stargate Atlantis... Did you ever see the X-Files? Skinner, he's going to be commanding the Daedulus... The pilot episode of Atlantis is due out on DVD in June. I'm waiting for that... Richard Diaz has been slowly recurring. The man has been doing it for 9 years. O'Neil is supposed to be taking over Hammond's slot... That new Jaffa nation that has been created... It should be an interesting season ... You remember that episode way back the fourth or the fifth season... He's supposed to be possibly battling the Borai who are supposedly becoming influential on Earth. They're supposed to be releasing a pandemic on Earth. You watch Battlestar Galactica?"

Meanwhile:

"Mm-hmm... mm-hmm... Oh, really? Mm-hmm... Huh, I'll have to check that out... wow... mm-hmm..."

Go, geek! Go!

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Overheard: Unpleasant Euphemisms for Urinating

"Time to drain the tank."

Eeesh!

Keanu Reeves vs. Carol Channing

a) Keanu Reeves?
b) Carol Channing?

Place your vote.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

"Thanks! Stupid"

This just in from our secret Slimbolala operative (I'll call him "John"). "John" provides us with the following note left on his van while parked at school:



"John" adds:

Points of interest
  • the car was parked perfectly.
  • although not necessary, it was nice of them to sign the letter "stupid"
You may be wondering, "How do I become a secret Slimbolala operative?" Simple! Just wear this secret disguise and send your hot tips about nothing in particular to slimbolala@hotmail.com.

5 Crappy Minutes

Hilary has asked to see my crappiest 5 minute portrait. Glad to oblige:

Bless His/Her Heart

My cousin, George, aptly points out that the phrase, "bless his heart" or "bless her heart", is a powerful weapon, allowing one to say some really nasty things about people as long as it's tacked on the end. I was trying to think of some funny examples but have discovered that, though the weapon is powerful, it is not without limits, and all of the examples I come up with fall a bit short. My first attempt was:
Britney is a nasty skank, bless her heart.
but it's too overtly mean and therefore fails. A little closer is:
She really can't cook chicken, bless her heart.
but it's not particularly interesting (very stereotypical passive-aggressive homemaker-ish). I'm trying to think of examples that are truly, genuinely nasty but are still covered by the "blessing". Any suggestions?

Hmm...

I've conceded the Papacy, and now is a time for unity, but will someone explain why cardinals in lower income, largely pro-Slimbolala parishes had to wait in line for hours to cast their ballots while cardinals in wealthy, pro-Ratzinger parishes had no delays at all? Very suspicious, to say the least.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Black-Eyed Lulu

And from the strange mind of my child:

5 Minutes

I made up a new drawing game for myself. The goal is to draw 100 sketches of people from randomly selected photographs, each done in 5 minutes. I did 9 during lunch today. Most of them aren't much to look at, but I kind of like this one:

Rainbow Child (and My Big Foot)


As (almost) always, click on the image for a larger version.

I've Been Robbed!

It should have been me!

Really though, it was an honor just to compete. There were a few opportunities I wasn't able to capitalize on, and in the end Ratzinger simply played a better game. I wish him the best.

But he is funny looking.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Why I Should Be the New Pope

  1. I promise to only use the Popemobile for official papal business.
  2. I took a year of Latin in Middle School.
  3. I'm from "the Americas".
  4. Free condoms with every communion.
  5. Transitional, schmansitional. I'm gonna live a long-ass time!
  6. I'd call myself Pope Bibliothecarius II.
  7. Annual St. Peter's Square roller derby.
  8. Ratzinger is funny looking.
  9. I'd make Thursday night "Lady Priests' Night" at the Vatican.
  10. I like Italian food.
  11. Opus Dei and I are tight like that.
  12. I would canonize Elvis.
  13. I would allow gay marriage but only if the couple is really cute together.
  14. My head is really big. I look good in really big hats.

Friday, April 15, 2005

11th Ward

Un-Cool Whip

When I was a kid I really liked Cool Whip. When I was eighteen I was a dishwasher in a restaurant. One evening I snagged a half-gallon container of Cool Whip and a spoon. After my shift was over I went out, sat on a bench, and gorged myself. I don't like Cool Whip anymore.

What's the most disgusting thing you've ever eaten?

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Dax

A Seemingly Folksy and Innocent but Actually Subtly Disturbing Quote From a Coworker

"I'm in it up to here [gestures over head], heh, heh, but I'm trying to figure out if it's honey or doo doo."
The person who said the quote is also seemingly folksy and innocent but actually subtly disturbing, so that may have colored my reaction.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Langenstein's

On a Windy Day

"Hey, Mom. Branches are like swings for trees."

Take a Hike

I've only been on one overnight hiking trip. It was December in New Mexico and there were eight inches of snow on the ground. These were not mild conditions, but I was going with my classmate, Dan, who was an experienced outdoorsman, and he assured me this was no big deal.

The plan was to set out in the early morning and climb the nearby mountain, arriving at the summit in plenty of time to pitch camp, cook a good meal, and drink a little booze before retiring for a night of well earned sleep.

Things didn't go as planned.

For one reason and another we got a late start setting out around midday. Then, what was a moderate uphill hike for Dan proved to be a desperate, brutal slog for me and my out of shape, lowlander lungs. By late afternoon we still had not reached the top and the sun was setting. Dan went ahead to set up camp. I slogged on.

When I finally reached the top it was almost completely dark, and Dan was standing over the collapsed tent cursing. We had borrowed it and, unfortunately, just now discovered that it was missing several pegs. The various clever solutions we tried all failed, and finally we just gave up.

Next was food. Dan made an effort to light the camp stove, but the temperature was dropping rapidly and even our heavy-duty winter gear was no longer adequate. After some numb-fingered fumbling, we abandoned this too and resigned ourselves to the only option left. We pulled off our boots, got into the collapsed tent, got into our sleeping bags, and ate ice cold bean burritos.

We farted all night.

Inside the tent was noxious and suffocating. Outside was lethally cold. Our comfort and well being depended on a delicate balance, keeping our faces close enough to the tent opening to get breathable air but not so close as to get a frostbitten nose. Neither of us slept very much, and the night lasted a very long time. The stars were remarkably beautiful, though.

In the morning we laced up our boots, packed our gear, and headed downhill as fast as we reasonably could, arriving back at school in time for a hot lunch and a nap. As a final insult, all of the skin peeled off of Dan's feet over the next few days. The brief time it had taken him to put on his boots had been sufficient exposure to get low-grade frostbite.

I have never gone camping since. If I ever do, there won't be any snow, and there won't be any bean burritos. And I'm counting my pegs before I leave.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Chuck, Goose



Yeah, I'm crazy. Crazy like a fox! So I have three pairs of Chucks. How can anybody get by with less? You gotta have:
  1. The Dress Pair - perfect for shows, dinner parties, evenings on the town, etc.
  2. The Everyday Pair - pretty much explains itself.
  3. The Shit Pair - mowing the yard, painting stuff, mucking around, and generally getting dirty and nasty
It's the bare essentials.

Note: I realize the creature on the end isn't technically a goose. I'm really not sure what it is, but it's the closest thing I had.

Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down



The New York Times describes this young man as "stylish". I can think of several words to describe him ("disoriented tie fop", for example), but "stylish"? I think (k)not.

Get it? Get it?

Saturday, April 09, 2005

I Had a Dream

I dreamt that I was at a party, and it was like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. People were being taken over, but, instead of turning into evil aliens, they were turning into peevish and annoying guests. It was kind of a lousy party.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Candor Continued

"David, your head is like this [big gesture] gigantic."

I feel so large-headed and beautiful.

The Candor of Youth

"David, you have dog hair on your toes."

I feel so beautiful.

Fascinating Topics of Breakroom Conversation

They are as follows:
  • What time the doughnuts will arrive.
  • Good deals at Disney World.
  • The relative merits of Jell-O versus Jell-O With Fruit.
  • The LSU Tigers.
  • Colonoscopies.
  • Why there are no chocolate doughnuts.
  • The low speed car chase currently being broadcast on Fox News.
  • "Are we having fun yet?"
  • Boy, the popcorn sure went fast.
  • Menopause.
  • Retirement.
  • Is it worth waiting for the chocolate doughnuts or not?
  • Beanie Babies.
  • Who finished the coffee and didn't brew more?
  • Sam's club.
  • "Her ass is kind of square."
  • The non-dairy creamer is very full.
  • If there are no chocolate dougnuts, the next best thing is a chocolate covered doughnut.
  • Cell phones.
  • Low carb diets.
  • Ooh! Free cookies!
What are they talking about where you are?

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Pot, Kettle, Black



I like this. I also like him making fun of the aforementioned this.

Style copped from the aforementioned him.

"The Change"

Two middle-aged women and myself in the elevator:

Woman 1: "Ooh, I'm warm."
Woman 2: "You got hot out there?"
Woman 1: "It doesn't take much to make me warm. I must be going through the change."
Woman 2: "Mm-hmm."

I then muttered, "Girl, you know it" and began fanning myself.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Photo Friday: Hot


Is it too early for pictures taken with incredibly lousy, first-generation digital cameras to be considered retro chic? Just call me fashion forward. Or hopelessly behind. Whichever.

And I do realize it's not Friday. I'm just a little lost.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Crowded



This was going to be my submission to Illustration Friday, but apparently I'm dumb and got the week wrong. I'm posting it anyway because I like it.

"All That Shit"

"I've got Teddy, the brown faced bear. I've got the Princess Di bear. I've got all that shit."

So sweet.

Coffee Roulette

There's a new game craze that's sweeping the nation, and it's called "Coffee Roulette"! Actually, it's not technically a craze because no one has ever played it, but maybe you can be the first.

The rules are very simple. Go to a coffee shop. Order whatever coffee beverage the person in front of you ordered. Drink it.

I invented the game when the woman in front of me ordered a Large White Chocolate / Mint Latte [shudder]. So give it a "whirl", and let me know how that works out for you.

Note: I won't play because I'm not a masochist, and I'm not drunk.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Sweater Boy

Bloggy-Blogging

Up to this point I've mostly tried to take the high road and avoid the whiny, vitriolic navel-gazing which characterizes too many blogs. But I'm worried that maybe I'm actually just missing out on all of the fun, so here goes:

This guy Fred totally butt in front of me to get coffee this morning. It was so obnoxious! He's not even from this floor and he comes up here and acts like he owns the place like he's better than everybody. Maybe I'm projecting but I'm pretty sure I'm not. And that stupid little mustache is definitely not cool! Doesn't he realize that nobody up here even likes him and if he comes here and acts obnoxious he's just going to alienate everybody even more. If he's ever rude to me again I'm definitely going to say something.

Ooh, I like it! OK, none of it actually happened, but does it really matter? From now on this blog will be entirely devoted to angry rants about fictional offenses committed by non-existent individuals. Yee-haw!

Daylight Losses

At one of the crummy restaurant jobs of my youth:
The stoner cook shows up 3 hours and 45 minutes late. When asked why he was late he responds, "Sorry, man. I forgot about daylight savings."

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Coffee, Baby, Salt

Herb Watch

The fun continues. In this weekend's article on the new Hotel QT, Herb sez:
The Twist socialized the body. Suddenly, personal familiarity with the sacroiliac was no longer restricted to doctors, athletes and ecdysiasts like Virginia ''Ding-Dong'' Bell. Everybody had a spinal cord. City life descended to the lumbar region, and has more or less stayed there ever since. This is the physical genealogy from which QT's aesthetic descends.
Ecdysiasts, indeed!

Saturday, April 02, 2005