Thursday, February 16, 2006

"You're a Fucking Ape"

Welcome to a new weekly feature here on Slimbolala, "Anecdotes-That-Don't-Really-Go-Anywhere Thursday" (we don't call it Pointless Ephemera for nothing). Enjoy:

As I sat outside the coffice, two men in their twenties walked up. They were big and thick and loud and stupid. As best as I could figure out, they did some sort of construction work (doesn't everybody these days?), something involving deafening machinery and toxic fumes. They were smoking huge cigars. I thought, "Wow, Neanderthals can smoke!"

The dominant (and exceptionally slope-browed) one, I'll call him Alpha, was mercilessly bossing around the other, Beta.
Alpha: Yeah, get me something really strong but not too expensive. Maybe cold. Something cold.

Beta: They got like frozen drinks.

Alpha: Nothing too expensive. But strong.

Beta: Okay.
Alpha held Beta's cigar as he went inside. Beta returned a few minutes later.
Beta: Here's your coffee, man. I got you a quadruple espresso.

Alpha: Is it cold?

Beta: No.

Alpha: That's alright. What'd you put in it?

Beta: Oh, I'm sorry, man. Nothing. What do you want?

Alpha: Like four sugars and some milk.
Beta went inside, finally returning after several minutes with the properly prepared espresso.
Alpha: What took you so long?

Beta: Oh, man, I...

Alpha: I'll tell you what took you so long. You're a fucking ape. (ed: Ain't that the pot calling the kettle black?)

Beta: No, man. I...

Alpha: No, I was watching you. You're a fucking ape.

Beta: I...

Alpha: You're a fucking ape.
They sat in silence.
Beta: So what do you want to do for your birthday.

Alpha: I don't know. Go to some bars.

Beta: Okay.
They sat in silence.
Beta: Are you growing a beard?

Alpha: It's not really a beard. I just haven't shaved in while. I think I'll trim it back, but I'm going to keep something for the ladies.
A young woman walked by, taking no notice of his non-beard. They stared. They continued to sit in silence. Eventually they left.

The end.

See, I told you it didn't really go anywhere. But this is the Oughts, baby. Linear narrative is for l-o-s-e-r-s.

6 comments:

  1. Anonymous9:44 AM

    These guys sound like really nice guys. any way you might introduce me ??

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  2. Are you a lady? 'Cause they're looking for some ladies.

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  3. I love the use of "thick" as an adjective describing both physical and mental characteristics at once.

    Marking my calendar for the next nonlinear narrative.

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  4. 1. Is anyone else surprised by the fact that Alpha held Beta's cigar? That seems odd to me. Oughtn't he have told Beta something like "F#ck you, I ain't holding your cigar...put it on the windowsill..."--I could take this in several directions, most of them along the lines of Freudian cylinders.
    2. I almost cried when Beta asked Alpha what he wanted to do for his birthday. He cares! He really cares!
    3. Is it too late for me to take up ski jumping? I really want to be a ski jumper. Or bobseld driver.

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  5. turnip200012:02 PM

    I don't know why, but this story made my day. Schadenfreude perhaps?

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  6. Glad it has brought joy. And Mr. Portipont, always love the angle, the weird but absolutely correct questions. Give lil' TJ a hug for me.

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