Dear Slim, what can I do to lose weight without exercising or giving up good food and red wine?
Dear Marco, contrary to popular opinion, the key to losing weight is not denying yourself things. It is indulging in new things, specifically cocaine and lots of it. Develop a voracious habit. You'll be emaciated and fabulous faster than you can say "Nicole Richie".
If coke is too expensive, try tapeworms. Let the worms get bloated and fat. You'll be emaciated and fabulous faster than you can say "intestinal distress".
Well what would you say if I asked about the possibility of my fiancee being gay?See? Piece of cake. What's next?
Simple. Disguise yourself in drag,* approach her in a public place, flirt with her, and see what happens. There are two possible outcomes:
It can't go wrong.
- She rejects your advances, and your fears are laid to rest. You live happily ever after.
- She accepts your advances. You become entangled in a complicated, farcical, web of lies. You date for many months as a lesbian couple. Finally, you travel to Hawaii and get married. On your wedding night, she discovers your true identity, collapses, crying in your arms and realizes that she always has and always will love you, regardless of the specific configuration of your genitals. You live happily ever after.
* I make two assumptions, here. First, I assume you are using conventional French gender-forms and your fiancee is a woman. Second, I assume you are a man. Otherwise, you would require no advice regarding the gayness of your bride-to-be. If I've got it wrong, try it anyway. It's all good.