Saturday, May 27, 2006

Dear Slimbolala: World Premiere

The new series has just been announced, and the cries for help are already pouring in. Marco asks:

Dear Slim, what can I do to lose weight without exercising or giving up good food and red wine?

Dear Marco, contrary to popular opinion, the key to losing weight is not denying yourself things. It is indulging in new things, specifically cocaine and lots of it. Develop a voracious habit. You'll be emaciated and fabulous faster than you can say "Nicole Richie".

If coke is too expensive, try tapeworms. Let the worms get bloated and fat. You'll be emaciated and fabulous faster than you can say "intestinal distress".

Anonymous asks:
Well what would you say if I asked about the possibility of my fiancee being gay?

Simple. Disguise yourself in drag,* approach her in a public place, flirt with her, and see what happens. There are two possible outcomes:
  1. She rejects your advances, and your fears are laid to rest. You live happily ever after.
  2. She accepts your advances. You become entangled in a complicated, farcical, web of lies. You date for many months as a lesbian couple. Finally, you travel to Hawaii and get married. On your wedding night, she discovers your true identity, collapses, crying in your arms and realizes that she always has and always will love you, regardless of the specific configuration of your genitals. You live happily ever after.
It can't go wrong.
See? Piece of cake. What's next?

* I make two assumptions, here. First, I assume you are using conventional French gender-forms and your fiancee is a woman. Second, I assume you are a man. Otherwise, you would require no advice regarding the gayness of your bride-to-be. If I've got it wrong, try it anyway. It's all good.

4 comments:

  1. Thanks, Dr. Slim. Your advice sounds really cool and truly instructive in a caring kinda way. I think I'll try me some of that cocaine running 'round my brain first. I'll get me fiddy cent to start with. I don't wanna get in too deep. I'll keep you posted.
    I apologize for the remark I made about anon's fiancee, her being a possible lesbian and all. I was a little off on the gender. Hey, but these things happen. It's all good.

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  2. Honestly, I had a friend who would go on the "cocaine and Jack Daniels" diet. The amazing part was how he could instantly stop when he reached the desired weight.

    Course, after a few times doing this, he couldn't stop instantly.

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  3. Dear Dr. Slim,
    I'm thinking of a career change, even though I currently have no career at all. Some of the possibilities I'm considering are are:
    1. A Cyprus Shriner
    2. A Carmen Miranda impersonator
    3. A Monkey Whisperer
    4. A Card Shark and/or Con Artist
    Please advise on pros/cons and financial viability.
    Merci, mille fois.

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  4. To keep you up to date D. Slimbo,
    Uber has it in his head that he's the Geico gecko. I'm at my wits end what to do. How can I train Uber so I can become a monkey whisperer and get my own TV show to boot? He's continually spouting Geico commercials in French. As you know my French is ALM 101. i need some sort of advice soon or I might take to the wine which I have already. At this time of year, it's not spritzers but rose from Provence. Is this euro or southern euro?

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