Dear Slimbolala,Wow! You people sure do have a lot of messed up problems, but don't worry. I'm here for you.
There is a man in my neighborhood who has me baffled. He's mid 30s, wears aviators, tight shortsleeve 'sport' shirts, tight pants. But he is not a hipster. It's hard to explain how I know this. He has no similarly-dressed hipster friends. His hair, while totally consonant with his look (shortish, a bit longer on top, strandy), is not fashionable. His shoes (dark-colored bo-bos)* are neither expensive nor trendy. What's with this guy? I mean, he really has a look- you can spot him a block away- but what's his deal?
I've listened to him carefully, and detected no foreign accent at all. So: Can you give me an answer based on what I've told you? What are the possibilities? How can I confirm or rule any out? Help!
I, like you, immediately assumed he was foreign, but you've done your homework, eliminating this possibility. There are only four remaining options. He is:
Perhaps a Venn diagram would help:
- An alien (of the extraterrestrial variety).
- A spy.
- A feral child discovered in the wilderness and raised to adulthood by kindly city-dwellers, doing his best to assimilate into contemporary society but always slightly out of synch with our baffling array of customs.
- Some combination of the above.
To determine where to plot him, you must perform a series of tests, confirming or denying each attribute:
Is he an alien? As we all remember from ALF, aliens love to eat cats. Acquire a cat (preferably one to which you have no emotional attachment). Place it in his path. If he is an alien, he will chase the cat, attempting to eat it and wreaking comical mayhem in the process.
Is he a spy? Spies love buxom, dangerous women with thinly veiled, malicious intentions. Acquire one of these. Place her in his path. If he is a spy, they will engage in witty, innuendo-filled conversation, retire to his cabana, and make love. In the middle of the night, she will attempt to stab him with a poisoned hair pin. He will suddenly draw a pistol and shoot her straight between the eyes. She will die with an expression of crestfallen bewilderment on her face.
Is he a feral child discovered in the wilderness and raised to adulthood by kindly city-dwellers? Feral children can't resist sniffing feces. Acquire some feces. Place it in his path. If he is a feral child, he will crouch over it and vigorously sniff. If it is lady-feces, he will grunt with pleasure.
Follow these steps, and you will be sure to find your answer. Please report back when you're done. We will all be waiting with bated breath.
* I had no idea what bobos were until the internet enlightened me.