Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I Like to Think That I'll Be Pretty Handy To Have Around When the Apocalypse Comes*

Sarah and I were talking (about what? I don't remember), and I came to the conclusion that I'll be pretty handy to have around when the Apocalypse comes. My useful post-apocalyptic skills:
  • Computer technology: The Post-Apocalypse (P.A.) will be characterized by the widespread cannibalization and re-use of Pre-Apocalyptic digital technologies, reconfigured for the P.A.'s new loose-and-dirty breed of highly mechanized, highly digitized guerrilla warfare: semi-autonomous robot networks, bit-bombing, data swarms, etc. Our ragtag group of human survivors (and affiliated mutants) must be tech-savvy.
  • Farming: I know how to raise livestock.
  • How to build a fence (and therefore, how to build a fortress): I'm building a fence in our backyard. It's not that hard. If we're going to survive for any length of time in the P.A., we'll need to build a really big bad-ass fortress like they had in the desert (dessert?) in the Road Warrior.
  • Foraging for edible fruits and vegetables: For a while as a kid, I was obsessed with Euell Gibbons' "Stalking the Wild Asparagus". I ate my share of poke salad, Jerusalem artichokes, and wild watercress. I can do it again.
  • How to build a wigwam: For a while as a kid, I was obsessed with making wigwams. (This overlapped with the foraging phase.)
  • How to shuck oysters: Not that we'll actually be eating oysters (the seas will be hopelessly poisoned), but the same technique—stab, twist, pry, slice—will prove to be the only way to deactivate and destroy the enemy's semi-autonomous robots, jimmying open their near-impervious brain pans and slicing out their tender little brain-nodes.
  • Elementary and middle school math: Because that's the kind we'll really need in the P.A. Forget that high school and college crap. Nobody's going to be using calculus.
  • Driving really fast: I grew up in the country. There wasn't much to do. We entertained ourselves by driving really fast. (Sorry, Mom—though actually, you drive really fast too.) This will be a useful skill when outrunning the semi-autonomous robot networks.
  • How to shoot a gun.
  • How to make a good drink: The Post-Apocalypse will be characterized by the widespread cannibalization and re-use of Pre-Apocalyptic beers, wines, apertifs, digestifs, liquors, and grain alchohols, reconfigured for the P.A.'s new loose-and-dirty breed of highly potent mixology: Radiation Rickies, Flamethrower Fizzes, Remember-When-There-Was-a-Place-Called-Manhattans, Doom and Destruction Daiquiris, So Long To Civilization Sours, etc.
I recommend that you go ahead and post your P.A. resume on ApocalypseNowHiring.com (for all your post-apocalyptic team building needs!); I certainly will.**

* Is it just me, or is every other movie coming out of Hollywood these days set either during or after some sort of apocalypse or other.

** Or if, for some bizarre reason, this emerging market hasn't been identified and this site doesn't actually exist, just post your doomsday qualifications here in the comments section. I'll print out a hard copy to have handy for when the internet is laid waste (and we fondly reminisce around the tire fire, saying things like, "Do you remember blogs?").

4 comments:

  1. Does anyone actually use calculus now?

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  2. I agree with the recurring apocalyptic theme in movies and books. So, I will have to work on my resume and submit it here. I garden fairly well, having been at for 40 years. Will the soil be friable though?
    As for calculus, everything you see on the screen is derived from it somehow someway. Non?

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  3. The Kenyans did not call me "Memsab pese sana(very fast madame) for nothing!!

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  4. Me, I'll survive by hiding. And getting people to like me. Sneak and charm will allow me to live like a parasite on good-hearted people with skill-sets like yours.

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