Friday, July 29, 2005

Coinage Contest: Unfabulous Edition

I would like to draw your attention to the following points:
1. The rise of the Metrosexual: The popular media has repeatedly and giddily heralded a new breed of man walking the face of the earth, the metrosexual, defined for our purposes, as an urban heterosexual man who has adopted traditionally gay grooming and lifestyle habits.

2. Newton's Third Law: "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction."
Using our own special brand of dubious logic we synthesize these two disparate facts and arrive at the following irrefutable truth:
In conjunction with the rise of metrosexuality, their must be, in rural areas, a corresponding increase in the number of poorly dressed, ill-groomed, decidedly unfabulous gay men.
I can hear your objections, "Surely, Mr. Slimbolala, your claims are fallacious! If this were true it would have been extensively covered in the press. The New York Times alone would have bludgeoned it to death with dozens if not hundreds of articles. This cannot be!"

I acknowledge the plausibility of your argument and would concede its truth but for one key fact. Metrosexuals have a catchy name. Their antitheses have none. Without a buzzword there is no buzz.

And this brings us to our current task. Give these poor, neglected people a name.
What is the appropriate term for a rural gay man who has adopted traditionally heterosexual grooming and lifestyle habits?
Remember folks it's got to be catchy. It's got to roll off the tongue. It's got to sell magazines, newspapers, and TV shows. There will be Straight Eye for the Queer Guy:
"Man, you gotta stop waxing your back. Looks like a baby's ass. Remember backhair is what separates the men from the boys... the men from the boys. And take it easy on those crunches too. Only kind of six pack a real man needs is a six pack of beer. Heh, heh. Hey, Hank! You heard what I said? I said, 'only kind of six pack a real man needs is a six pack of beer.' Heh!"
It's going to be huge, so make it peppy. Hip. Happening. Now.

Buzz, baby, buzz!


  1. Wasn't the TV show already made? "Straight Plan for the Gay Man"?

  2. Undoubtedly. But do they have the "hillbilly" angle? No, they don't (or do they? I don't know). So quit trying to crush my dream, man! There show is crap. Ours is the real deal!

  3. I was going to say "Pinkneck", but it looks like it's already been claimed to be the same thing as metrosexual, which doesn't really make sense.

    How about "homo-genie"? (Get it? Homogeny? Maybe a little too academic...)

  4. Anonymous8:50 PM

    ruff rider ...
    john dear ...
    pecos billy ...
    straw feather ...
    tony mama ...
    i like homogenie, too.

  5. Anonymous7:52 PM

    Cracker Packer