Wednesday, August 10, 2005

If You Were a Meat Product What Would You Be?

Wow. I thoroughly enjoyed learning everyone's beverage-identities. Curiously (if not surprisingly), they all included either caffeine or booze (or, in some cases, both). It brings me great joy to be able to accurately categorize you as "Jumpies" (4), "Drunks" (4), and "Jumpy-Drunks" (2).

In the interest of furthering our acquaintance (and continuing our recent meat riff*), I would also be very happy to learn your meat-identities:
If you were a meat product what would you be?
"Meat product" may be broadly defined as any food item composed principally of meat, processed or otherwise. Vegetarians may specify an appropriate meat-substitute.

I haven't figured out what I am yet, but I'll let you know as soon as I do.


I must confess that I'm a little worried about this question. There are two potential problems.
  1. People may be reluctant to publicly identify themselves with meat products.
  2. Lewd innuendos, intentional or otherwise, are nearly unavoidable.
But I'm confident that our readership can rise above these minor obstacles. We're reasonable people. We're adults. Awkwardness or embarassment should simply not enter into the picture. We must acknowledge who we truly are. We must own our meat.

Heh, heh. "Own our meat." Heh.

* I'm almost positive this is the first time in my life I've used the phrase "meat riff".


  1. Dare I say, I am a turkey breast. Trading a life covered in fine feathers for center spot on the holiday table....all golden and stuffed full of cornbread dressing with a hint of cranberry in the air.

  2. You dare say, although we are clearly very different birds. If I was going to go with the poultry (which I won't) I would definitely be a dark meat. A big drumstick? Mmm.

    I'm still working on mine. The ones that immediately leap to mind are old school varieties of processed, mildly funky meats: salami and liverwurst. I like them both a great deal (in my collegiate vegetarian years I vowed that I if I ever did return to my meat-eating ways, liverwurst was going to be the first thing I ate - I don't remember if it actually was), but neither is quite right. Salami? A little too oily. Liverwurst? Too grey. Maybe head cheese? I do have a giant head, and I do love it (my aunt Doucette makes these wonderful little head cheese gelatins moulded in ice cube trays and served on Ritz crackers for all our holiday parties - yum!), but really I'm nowhere near that funky.

    Yeah. Still working on it.

  3. Anonymous11:09 PM

    I am having trouble working through the "meats I have eaten" and "meats I have enjoyed" or even "meats I wish I were" to the far off land of "meat I am". Tough one. There's that polish sausage I bought at the Hampden street party a couple years ago, halfway through which I discovered that it was half raw. Oh well, said I--if I'm gonna get sick I might as well not be hungry too, and finished it off. I am sure that there is some sort of metaphor in there that cuts to the quick of my identity, but am I that polish sausage?

  4. I think I'd be a rib-eye steak. It's a pretty good cut, and takes no special preparation. Just your basic, tasty meat product.

    My wife says she is a standing rib roast.

  5. I'm definitely pork...steamed ground pork (Chinese comfort food). Or pork in Japanese curry. Or pulled pork.

    Basically, I'm international pork.

    (Now that's something I never thought I'd say...or admit.)

  6. There may be some deep primal resistance to identifying oneself with meat, embedded in our psyches, and harkening back to the earlier days of our species when being meat was a quite real and undesirable scenario. Perhaps it cuts a little too close to the bone. So to speak.

    Rib-eye. Mmm. International pork. Mmm. Half raw polish sausage. Mmmblech.

  7. An easy one for me: fried chicken. Legs only. But I guess that that's a dish, not a meat.

    Until a few years ago, I was between Wes and his wife, so to speak: I loved rib steak, which is a one-rib slice of standing roast. Rib eye loses all that great bone flavor.

    So, I suppose it's calf liver. Real calf liver. The stuff that runs for ten dollars a pound at least.

  8. Bacon. Crispy, salty, occasionally decadent bacon. Mmm.
    I've been keeping up with your page for a while now, but it took bacon to get me to post. That's how committed I am to the tasty treat. [Lori]

  9. Well, I'm glad you've been stopping by. Yes, bacon certainly does elicit powerful emotions.

  10. Anonymous9:49 AM

    So I was lying bed last night, unable to sleep, the red aircraft warning lights flashing on the port cranes outside the bedroom, red, red, and I started thinking some more about the meat. (Anybody ever read books about cannibals? The phrase "the hideous repast"...) Anyway, lying there in the humidity, staring at the red lights it came to me:
    Yes--Lori beat me to it, but it's true.
    I, however, am leathery bacon--not crisp.

  11. Anonymous2:59 PM

    I would be a lambchop, succulent and juicy, and I would have had a wonderful life before I became a lambchop, gamboling across green hills and universally declared 'oh so cute".

  12. I think I've decided that I actually am salami, afterall. Sometimes I'm also a bit too oily.

  13. Anonymous11:31 PM

    The first thing that came to me (so it must be right) is head cheese.
    Jelly + bits of pig or cow. It's very colorful, thrifty, and contains jelly.

  14. I knew we were kindred spirits (and I knew you were a little funkier than me).