Tuesday, January 17, 2006

All Monkeys Are Evil

I'm almost positive that this will go absolutely nowhere, but shucks, what's more fun that watching one's own frail, little idea perch at the edge of its nest, spread wing, and plummet to an immediate, grisly death. So...

This is a contest. The contest is to come up with a proof of the following statement:
"All monkeys are evil."
Begin with whatever premises you want. Use whatever shoddy logic you choose. Extra points are awarded for absurdity. Submissions will be judged by a panel of evil monkeys. The grand-prize is a pet evil-monkey of the particularly vicious, poo-flinging variety. First and second runners up will have poo flung at them.

Take wing, little birdie. Fly! Fly!


  1. Anonymous1:47 PM

    evil is always far-reaching and has many appendages. all monkeys are far-reaching and have many appendages. all monkeys are evil.

  2. Oh, beautiful! I love it and will tattoo it on my forearm.

  3. Anonymous9:31 AM

    Hey, I proved this years ago:


  4. Also beautiful though much harder to tattoo on my forearm.

  5. Anonymous5:23 PM

    I hate monkeys.
    Therefore, all monkeys are evil.

    Puzzle: what is the suppressed premise?
    (a) If something is evil, I hate it OR
    (b) If I hate something, it is evil?
    I report, you decide.

    Snow is white.
    Water is snow.
    Therefore, all monkeys are evil.

  6. And there is this...

  7. Ah, yes. I was hoping the Johnny contingent would pipe up.

    The panel of evil monkeys will have lots of head scratching to do (plus lots of other scratching, aswell).

  8. The coffee hadn't quite warmed my brain when I made that last comment. What I was trying to say was that all of the submissions were so good that the evil monkeys would have a hard time deciding and would have to think really hard and, and because they were thinking really hard they would scratch their heads (because they're monkeys). I also meant to imply that they would not limit their scratching to their heads but would scratch other places aswell, particularly naught places such as their groins and buttocks (because they're evil monkeys).

    Whew, glad we clarified that.

  9. Anonymous3:38 PM

    I'm picturing evil, taint scratching monkeys, which makes them all the more vile.

  10. Anonymous3:51 PM

    The evil nature in man(kind) is to be lazy and only care about self-gratification. This is the definition of all monkey (ape, orangutan, chimp’s etc.) behavior. As the monkey has only one goal, to gratify itself via the base instincts of sex, food, deification, sleep, regardless of any negative effect such activities may have on it's surroundings (either social or environmental), the monkey is the embodiment of mankind's EVIL nature. Mankind possesses this “evil nature”, but has the capacity to choose between this nature or being empathetic, sympathetic, and generally caring about the welfare of others... even at the detriment of the self. This is why man cannot be pure evil but only exhibit evil behavior and monkeys, simply ARE EVIL. Destroy them all before they creep into your home and kill you while you sleep.