Friday, March 31, 2006

Perfect Gulping Temperature (P.G.T.)

As you know, we here at Slimbolala like to graphically depict really ridiculous things. So what are we graphing today? Key gradations in coffee temperature. They are as follows:

Scalding, or Don't Spill In Your Crotch or You'll Need Reconstructive Surgery And a Whole Mess of Lawyers Temperature (D.S.I.Y.C.O.Y.N.R.S.A.A.W.M.O.L.T.)
Hot, or Perfect Sipping Temperature (P.S.T)
Perfect Gulping Temperature (P.G.T.)
Room Temperature (R.T.)
Iced (I.)

I love Hot and Iced. I'm perfectly content with Room Temperature (I'm drinking it right now). I'll skip the Scalding (thank you very much). But we're here today to discuss Perfect Gulping Temperature. I learned about it from Zena (thanks again, darlin'), and I believe she learned about it from a friend who first identified the concept.

P.G.T. is the absolute hottest temperature at which coffee can be comfortably gulped. Any hotter and it scalds the throat. Any cooler and it's on its way to tepid.

It is a concept of interest, I believe, principally to the die-hard caffeine addicts amongst us. Sipping is lovely, but it's all about "tasting" and "savoring." There is a very special pleasure that occurs only when the coffee has finally cooled to the point where one can swig back the first hearty quaff, feeling it rush down the throat, warm the belly, and send delicious tingles up the jugular veins to the groggy back of the brain. Then another gulp, and the heart begins to pump. Another, and... Oh, Sweet Jesus!

Try it. You'll like it.


  1. Anonymous4:21 PM

    I love turning up in Slimbolala! It makes me feel so special.

    My old boss when I worked in a record store used to buy coffee and then leave it behind the counter for a long while before taking it up, throwing his head back and drinking it down in one gulp. He was fat, and had a goatee, if that completes the picture. He used to joke about waiting until it was "PGT" or "Prime Guzzling Temperature". I thought it was just a joke, and one day I tried to remind him to drink his coffee while it was still hot. "No!" he said "I want to guzzle it!"

  2. Ah, yes. "Guzzle." Better than "gulp." I couldn't remember if I had it quite right, but at least the initials remain the same.

  3. And "Prime" is also better than "Perfect." Prime Guzzling Temperature. Manifique!

  4. I've always wondered if PGT varies from person to person, or if it might be possible for a retailer of such beverages to set their machines to produce output at or slightly above PGT in the first place. I understand it's complicated by the addition of various cremes and milks, but it would be cool if you could order your drink at a particular temperature, rather than genital-scalding, which seems to be the default.

    Anyway, I heartily endorse further scientific study.

  5. Anonymous11:43 AM

    mmmmm... coffee. worst part of believing that you need to do a 7-day master cleanse, and then actually doing it, is not the final days of the cleanse when you think to yourself, "Why the hell did I just do that to myself." It's the no coffee part. By the way, howdy from me in Austin! Hope y'all are well. Slimbolala you so crazy. All my love to the family. Much thanks to A and Z for turning me on to slimbizzle-lala.

  6. Hey, Robin Austin! Welcome to the party, and congrats on the shiny colon.

  7. I like how MOLT is in the abbreviation for potential scalded crotch jumping out of skin or molten lava, even.

    I recently spilled D.S.I.Y.C.O.Y.N.R.S.A.A.W.M.O.L.T coffee onto the vinyl seats of my 1976 Chevy truck. Slid right down into my nether regions, gee-lordy! Good to the last drop!

    Nothing like absorbent cloth seats to take away some of the pain. Rub your cloth seats for me.

  8. Sorry about that. Good luck with the surgery.

  9. I guess my grandfather learned to drink his coffee in the Navy--and I guess one had to drink fast aboard ship. And I guess that even in the South Pacific nights got cold sometimes. His PGT was D.S.I.Y.C.O.Y.N.R.S.A.A.W.M.O.L.T.

    Sitting around the kitchen table with him, in Omaha, he would take the freshly brewed pot of coffee, pour himself a tall mug, then place this hot mug of coffee IN THE MICROWAVE--for about a minute and a half (carefully placing it on a quarter-folded paper towel). He would then immediately gulp it down. Not the whole cup--he liked to savor it--but the gulps were sizeable.

  10. When I worked at the Pony Espresso, in Annapolis, I noticed that people wanted to microwave their coffee, no matter how hot it was. Then, after heating to maximum potential, they would take a big ol' swig with an ahhh and I would always cringe and think oooo there go the tastebuds.

    Much respect to your grandfather, though. Totally different category of deseecoynersawmolter.

  11. Anonymous3:18 PM

    Is a cup of coffee's 'maximum potential' temperature its boiling point?