Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Dear Slimbolala: Softly, Softly, Catchy Monkey

Marco asks:
Dear Dr. Slim,

I'm thinking of a career change, even though I currently have no career at all. Some of the possibilities I'm considering are are:
1. A Cyprus Shriner
2. A Carmen Miranda impersonator
3. A Monkey Whisperer
4. A Card Shark and/or Con Artist
Please advise on pros/cons and financial viability.

Dear Marco,

Excellent question. The correct answer is monkey whisperer. There are two reasons for this:
  1. I find the idea of a monkey whisperer profoundly hilarious, and you would give me great joy by adopting it as your new profession.
  2. Monkey whispering brings all the benefits of the other careers you mention with far less effort. Why be a Carmen Miranda impersonator when you can simply instruct one of you many monkey minions to be a Carmen Miranda impersonator (but make sure it doesn't eat the bananas off the hat - ha!)? And why be a con-artist when you can just train your mischievous but lovable con-monkeys in the artful execution of such classic monkey-cons as:
    • "See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil," and
    • "Monkey See, Monkey Do."
As for the Cyprus Shriner, that's not a career, it's a hobby, one for which you will have ample time as you reap the rewards of your evil ape army.
We're on a roll. What's next?


  1. Anonymous3:13 PM

    Dear Slimbolala,

    There is a man in my neighborhood who has me baffled. He's mid30s, wears aviators, tight shortsleeve 'sport' shirts, tight pants. But he is not a hipster. It's hard to explain how I know this. He has no similarly-dressed hipster friends. His hair, while totally consonant with his look (shortish, a bit longer on top, strandy), is not fashionable. His shoes (dark-colored bo-bos) are neither expensive nor trendy. What's with this guy? I mean, he really has a look- you can spot him a block away- but what's his deal?
    I've listened to him carefully, and detected no foreign accent at all.
    So: Can you give me an answer based on what I've told you? What are the possibilites? How can I confirm or rule any out? Help!

  2. Anonymous11:20 AM

    Dr. Slimbo,
    Hope your trip to Austin was pleasant, with all that barbeque and friends.
    Thanks for helping me with a very difficult career choice. I've been sleepless for days. Oh, the cocaine, I forgot. Your suggestion of becomng a monkey whisperer is truly inspiring and a lot more practical than I could have ever imagined. Trained monkeys for standins. Incredible genius! I can have my cake and eat it too. Aping other pursuits with whispered-monkeys is the way to go. I'm off to the pet store to buy one and I've placed ads on the web and local paper to let owners of monkeys with behavioral problems to contact me. Thanks to you Doc, I know me and my monkey, Uber, will go places. Until next week.

  3. I can't wait until they turn it into a tv show, Marco and Uber. Oh, the hilarious shenanigans that will ensue!

  4. Oh, and Matt, your quandry is a particularly difficult one (and not entirely dissimilar from experiences I've had). I'll have to retreat into my Lonely Tower of Contemplation and mull it over.

  5. Anonymous7:06 PM

    Dear Dr. Slimbo,
    The local pet stores don't stock monkeys. So, I'm off to Honduras. Maybe I get pick up a few punta moves while I'm at it.

  6. Anonymous8:29 PM

    As soon as I get with my minky, I'm going to take typing lessons.

  7. Anonymous8:32 PM

    As I was trying to say before that fish bone got caught in my throat, as soon as I get my minky in Honduras, I'm going to take an intensive 1 hr. course in typing.